Enroute

Less To Go Around

2011-06-04T07:34:00.002-04:00

I've noticed a trend occurring. I'm pretty sure I don't like it. I can't say I didn't expect it to happen, but I always thought there would be more time.

I've noticed a trend, in which, there is no more food by the end of dinner. I love leftovers. Sometimes food is better the second day even. However, my children seem to have the same love of food as I do.

This means that even at 3 years old, my daughter is already laying claim to the last hamburger on the plate or the last scoop of potatoes.

This means that my 11-month-old son, who has started to eat table foods, is clenching his fists and grunting in protest at the sight of others eating after he has cleaned the food from his tray.

This means there is just less to go around and it is time to start buying things that say "Family Size" on the box...and then making an extra box for the kids.

Also, on an unrelated topic, my wife is awesome.

Mother's Day Eve

2011-05-07T12:02:00.000-04:00

Well it is a beautiful day to rush around and finalize las minute plans for Mothers Day celebrations and the such. I still haven't had an opportunity to take the kids out to shop for a gift and we are leaving for a M-Day Linner soon.

I do have some pretty great moms in my life I have to say though. It is just one of many blessings God has given me. What gift could possible express my deep and profound love for my mother and the mother of my children?

Did someone say garden trinkets and an iTunes giftcard?

No?

Dang it.

I wonder if thinking about getting each of them a spa day really does count.

Only time will tell.

Wait, What Year is This Again?

2011-05-06T21:23:00.003-04:00

So, it has been over a year since I've post and wow lot has happened!

Our family has moved out to a rental in West Michigan while we Ramsey our way out of debt.

I have a little boy that is fast approaching his first birthday celebration.

I finally broke down and allowed my wonderful wife to purchase a minivan...twice.

We have switched churches...sort of...

Umm...I bought a pair cargo pants from the Gap Outlet...twice.

Yeah, I swear more things have happened since I last posted but for the life of me I just can't think of anything tonight. Perhaps I should have written some of that stuff down so I'd have like, you know, a record of cool moments in my life and the life of my family.

Nice work on updating our blog, me! How about posting at least something to keep our brain from completely oozing out of our ears would ya?

What's that? Well, of course we can have a snack first...and watch some more Top Gear.

Moving on Over

2010-04-30T18:29:00.000-04:00

So the papers are signed and we seem to be done with a major
transition in our life...the sale of our first home. We have been
moving several non-essential items over the past few weeks on
anticipation of today and our major move comes tomorrow.

I am happy in how things have progressed so far and I look forward to
getting settles in our new place. Hopefully his new move will allow
for more time at home and more money in the bank.

In all of this I keep praying that God will grant us wisdom and lead
us down the path he desires us to travel. Where that is, at least for
now, is yet to be seen.

15 Easy Steps to an Exciting Day

2010-01-27T22:00:00.000-05:00

Step 1: Wake up at 3:30am to get ready for work.
Step 2: Attend 7am Meeting.
Step 3: Head to OB/GYN for ultrasound and discover you're on track
for having a health baby boy.
Step 4: Return to work after 3 hours of non-productive time and a
crap load to catch up on.
Step 5: Be the last one to leave from work.
Step 6: Get a phone call informing you of a showing on your home
tomorrow afternoon.
Step 7: Realize that the house is a mess and your wife is getting
home late with a tired and hungry toddler.
Step 8: Further realize that poorly installed shingles caused a leak
inside your bedroom, which led to the removal and destruction of a
four foot piece of baseboard, and four, 2-inch square holes that you
cut out to do some investigation and venting.
Step 9: Arrive home with a headache and cold sweats because you
haven't eaten all day.
Step 10: Get phone calls, that you just don't have time for as you
try to fight a headache and clean, from family and friends
congratulating you on the good news about the baby.
Step 11: Get phone call from wife that she hit a deer.
Step 12: Realize that your beautiful, pregnant wife and 2-year-old
daughter were just in a car accident.
Step 13: Have your wife inform you that it was a minor hit, the car
is drivable and she'll be home in a few minutes.
Step 14: Clean. Clean. Clean.
Step 15: Realize it is 10 o'clock and if you're really lucky you'll
be asleep by 11 o'clock so you can get 4 1/2 hours of sleep before
starting your new day.

Like Her Papa

2009-11-27T04:14:00.005-05:00

My little girl is shaping up to be a lot like me, which sucks for her, but it is fun to watch for now. Let me explain the ways Olivia is like me:

Number One: That Girl Can Eat
She eats...a lot. Not only does she eat a lot each time she sits down for a meal, she also is ready to consume all sorts of snacks and crackers in between those times. That's all fine and dandy while her body is growing more up than out, but if her metabolism or love for veggies gives out, we'll be transporting her via the crane and flatbed method.

Number Two: She's A Shy One
At home my little girl can gab and question and giggle and run. Not only can she, but in between meals she is all about doing something. But get her in situations where she has to interact with family or friends and she is Little Miss Cuddle Bug...at least for the 20 minutes. She usually adapts well to any situation we've put her in so far. It seems like she can get along with just about anyone too so that is nice.

Number Three: She's Not Short on Smarts
She's no dummy, that's for sure. I'm not signing her up for MENSA or anything, but she is definitely a smart cookie and that makes for a proud papa. I know. I know. Everyone thinks their kid is smart or above average just like everyone thinks they are an above average driver. You're not, okay! You suck at driving. Get off my butt and stop honking at me! Just because the light is green, you still have to wait your turn, dipwad. You see those people on the other side of the intersection? Well, they have a light too. Do you know what color their light is? That's right, it is green and they have the right of way at this particular moment so just chill.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, I was talking about my awesome kid.

Number Four: She Might Be Colorblind
So it is too early to say, but as good as she is at identifying so many things like animals and shapes, she sucks at colors. For a long time her stock answer to the question, 'What color is this?' was a resounding, "YELLOW!". Consequently, she is also a big Coldplay fan so perhaps she was just making song requests.

It also doesn't help when her father is trying to teach her that a certain block is blue only to have her mom come in and inform me that it is purple. Crap. No wonder she thinks the sky is green. Maybe I should leave the color training to someone who doesn't have to ask what socks go with his outfit each morning.

Number Five: She's Not Sleepy
My little girl is a night owl for sure. She wakes up randomly at night too, which explains why I am now up. We both have a hard time getting to sleep and the thought of going to sleep usually feels like we're going to miss out on something great. She really doesn't like the idea of going to bed while other people in the house are still up. Even if it means just laying on the couch quietly soaking it all in, it is better than sitting alone in her room wondering what is going on in the living room.

Speaking of, I think someone is trying to be a stealthy ninja and sneak into see mommy. Maybe someday, Grasshopper, but for now you do not have your father's skills of cunning and misdirection.

Chicken Soup

2009-08-19T19:06:00.001-04:00

If chickens were sentient beings, do you think they would drink their
own bath water when they were sick?

Sloppy Vito

2009-08-15T22:05:00.001-04:00

I just created a new meal at dinner, I call it the Sloppy Vito. It is
kinda like a Sloppy Joe, but with left-over spaghetti sauce instead.

About Me

2009-07-19T19:38:00.004-04:00

In no particular order, here are some things about me:

1. I don't like watching sports.

2. I have a mild case of germ phobia

3. I am slow to get angry, but also slow to forgive.

4. I prefer toothpaste to that disgusting gel and, of all the toothpaste, Colgate is the best.

5. I feel peanut butter should be creamy and goes best with strawberry jam on white bread.

6. I like guns.

7. I like pretty much everything from Pearl Jam.

8. I know that Superman could kick the crap out of Batman if he were so inclined.

9. I use sarcasm as a normal means of communication. Sometimes this gets me into trouble.

10. I am a perfectionist, but I'm not perfect. Sometimes I mistakes.

11. I am great at starting new projects.

12. I often consider the best place to go in a zombie apocalypse.

13. I am no longer allowed to play with the yoga ball indoors.

14. I love inventing new recipes. I just made a new cereal that combines Frosted Mini Wheats with raisins. I call it Raisin Wheats. That is mostly because Super Colon Blow was already taken.

15. I sometimes gross out my wife.

16. I think Gel style deodorant is icky. I prefer the spray on stuff now, even though it doesn't last as long.

17. I am a terrible singer despite what my wife says.

18. I am a wanna-be guitar hero. The real kind, nothing to do with the stupid game.

19. I think Guitar Hero is a stupid game even though I have never played it.

20. I sometimes judge a book by its cover.

21. I love a good sci-fi movie.

22. I hate when people are too quick to pass on the right.

23. I prefer watching movies at home.

24. I'm a night owl.

25. I don't like being blamed for things that aren't my fault.

26. If I had a nickle for every time someone said I looked like Edward Norton I would have 10 cents.

27. I'm a Mac.

28. I'm a problem solver.

29. I don't love making lists about myself.

30. I'd rather be rich than stupid.

31. I'm not as creative as I would like to be.

32. Is my favorite number, but I don't know why.

33. ...

Potty Time!

2009-06-28T19:05:00.001-04:00

Olivia used the potty for real today!

She was applauded and given ice cream.

Just thought you'd like to know.

Carry on.

Breaking the Chains

2009-06-24T19:57:00.002-04:00

As I prayed this morning, I found myself once again asking for the
forgiveness of my sins. I found myself once again, asking that the
punishment for my sins be laid upon the head of Jesus. I couldn't
help but feel ashamed for yet more failures in my personal life that
Jesus needed to pay for.

In my mind, I understand that the whole reason God had to step into
His creation and take the rightful punishment for sin is because we
can't do it on our own. I can't do it on my own.

But my heart aches at the thought of continuing to add to the terrible
burden of debt that Jesus suffered for. So, I seek to wipe the slate
clean up to the point of my salvation, but from that point I have the
false hope that I can take care of the rest of my life. You've done
enough already, Jesus, I'll get this one...and these two...and that one.

So I chain myself up. I declare myself unworthy of God's love and get
to work trying to pay the new debts I am accumulating. I stunt my
spiritual growth by trying to do something that Jesus has already done.

I sometimes wonder if I would give my life to save the entire world.
The answer is pretty easy in terms of the hypothetical. One life in
trade for billions...of course I would. And while it is true that
Jesus gave his life once for all, He also gave it just for you and
just for me.

If I were the only person to walk the earth, the only person to turn
from God, Jesus would have come to die for me. Jesus died for each
and every one of us. Jesus died for each and every one of our sins.
Before Jesus, we were all guilty. There are no degrees of guilt from
one person to the next. We all share fully in the guilty verdict that
put Jesus on the cross. We can never be less guilty of our sin. No
matter how hard we try to follow the law of God or how many times we
go to church on Sunday or how much money or time we give away, we will
never be less guilty.

But with Jesus, we will also never be less forgiven. If you put your
faith in Jesus and ask for his forgiveness, you are fully forgiven.

I am fully forgiven.

I don't need to punish myself for the things that I do wrong. The
punishment for my sins has been paid in full. Therefore, I can live
my life for Jesus, and get back up when I stumble. I don't need to
chain myself down with frustration and disappointment at not being
good enough because Jesus was good enough for all of us.

What Was That?

2009-06-17T20:15:00.006-04:00

Wife: You smell like a girl.

Me: What!? How so?

Wife: You smell like smoke and barbecue sauce.

Me: ...

Me: ...

Me: Oh! I smell like the grill! Ok.

Thank you for joining us for this week's, "What Was That?"

For Sale

2009-06-09T10:28:00.002-04:00

My life may be for rent, but my home is now for sale.

Despite the tough economy and the crappy real estate market we are officially putting our home on the selling block. We want to move out west and this is a major obstacle that we just have to try to get around.

Wish us luck and send any real estate tycoons our way!

Hi, I'm a Mac

2009-06-06T22:28:00.002-04:00

And Johnny is a PC.

I went shopping with my bro today and tried to help him decide on a new computer since his old laptop went to pot.

I say I tried to help because he ended up getting a PC. A very nice PC, but still a PC. I'm nervous for him. I hope it works out great and I'm proven wrong, but this is Vista we're talking about.

He has had it for a couple of hours now and I'm still waiting for him to figure out how to get his built in webcam working just to test it out, but then he lost connection to the internet. So either the internet is actually down at his neighbor's house or...

Well, I hope it is just an issue with the internet being offline...by coincidence.

Enjoying My Spring Break

2009-05-28T20:17:00.006-04:00

Hide and Go Seek is always fun. (Although, it doesn't seem fair since I am like a ninja.)

Oh, the views!

Here kitty kitty kitty...

Mmm...the essence of summer

Well, if I had faster internet I'd upload more photos, but I don't have the time right now. It was a big day today with the zoo and children's museum and someone needs to get to bed.

Extended Weekend

2009-05-24T23:02:00.002-04:00

I love extended weekends and this one is turning out pretty great so far.

On Thursday (what you don't count Thursday as the start of the weekend?) I got home and had the best chicken fajitas ever. Really. Interested in trying them? You can't, they are all gone. Between Jessica and Olivia and me, we ate every last scrap of evidence that they existed. Want the recipe? There isn't one. We just threw some spices and a fresh peppers and chicken and beans together and somehow creating this amazing flurry of flavor. It is a little sad really, that this perfect storm of scrump-diddly-umptiousness will probably never occur again in the fajita world in our lifetime, but I'm glad I was a part of it.

Friday is was back to work, but the office was relatively quiet and I got a chance to catch up on stacks of work and folders I just didn't have time for in the last few weeks. Then a cousin came over after work with the intention of fixing a leaking window he had installed. As it turned out, it wasn't the window but yet another strange water problem with our home. At that point he could have just went home. It was no longer his problem so he could have packed up his stuff and drove off, but he didn't. He stayed. He pried and climbed and lifted and crawled and even got snapped with a long sense forgotten mouse trap as he worked to figure out the real source of the problem. Something about the care and love he showed just amazed me and, after he left, brought tears of gratitude to eyes as I thanked God for the heart of this man.

Saturday it was off to the Parade of Homes. I've always resisted going over the past several years, but this year I was actually pretty excited. Maybe it is because we are making plans for building out next house and even though that seems so far off, it is still nice to get ideas and actually walk through a completed home. We ended the evening with an amazing meal from San Marcos in Caledonia. It is an incredible Mexican Bar and Grill that you just have to try if you're in the area and like a more authentic taste.

As the last few minutes of Sunday slip away, I am thinking back on all the work we got done and the evening cookout with some of my family. What a great day. I played in the dirt, I got a little sun burned, I ate way too much and built a nice fire to sit around long after the sun went away.

The weekend isn't even close to being over yet either. Monday is Memorial Day and we get to share yet another day out in the sun as a family followed by a cookout with friends. Maybe I'll let you know how things are going on the rest of my extended weekend in a couple of days if I think about.

Man, you gotta love 10 day weekends.

A Quick Thought

2009-05-13T21:09:00.000-04:00

It is amazing how far we have come as a people. We have learned so much and created so many things to make our lives easier and get things done faster, but for what? As we find ways to finish our work more efficiently we seem to find ways to just fill up the extra time with more work.

Maybe we can't think of anything better to do.

Maybe we aren't as creative as we think we are.

Spring (Seriously This Time)

2009-04-25T19:35:00.001-04:00

So, once a month isn't so bad for blogging, right? Yeah, things have
been pretty crazy and time is really flying for me right now. As
Spring has finally arrived again...and then again...I've gotten a
chance to get out into the sun, take walks and barbeque.

I love having BBQ'd food. So far I've been limited to various sorts
of hamburger and chicken, but I'm always experimenting with new and
different seasonings and sauces.

Olivia is also growing up so fast and this is truly a fun age. She is
climbing and communicating and learning new tricks and mastering old
ones.

I'm looking forward to all the cool new things we will get to do as a
family and just focusing on enjoying the little things. They seem to
be the best things anyway.

2nd Spring

2009-04-03T22:17:00.001-04:00

Sprung?

2009-03-22T04:08:00.002-04:00

So Spring is officially here...yeah...awesome. Seriously though, it looks great...from inside my car. Then the deceptively freezie wind coupled with the allergy spawn smashed my head with a hammer.

Most Important Lesson

2009-03-15T19:34:00.003-04:00

As I read over the lesson for this week, I realized it wasn't a part of the story that offered much room for humor. Today we talked about The Last Supper and some of the last instructions Jesus had for his disciples and ultimately for us.

This was an important lesson. This is the first step at laying the foundation of what Jesus did for us and why. Most of the words are provided for us, but there is always a struggle on how to present the truth and beauty of God's plan for salvation without losing the attention of all those little minds.

Over the next few weeks we will continue the story up through Easter. I have a lot of important lessons ahead. I couldn't help but ponder which one would be the most important. What part of the story will strike the hearts and minds of 2nd and 3rd grade boys and girls?

I hadn't thought about it long before I realized my most important lesson was. It wouldn't come in the next few weeks. It wouldn't even happen on the stage in those 20 minutes a week I am privileged enough to share God's story.

My most important lesson I teach is the way I act when I step off the stage. It comes with every action I make and how I live when I am not thinking about who is watching. My most important lesson I will teach on how to live is found in the way that I live my own life.

The most important lesson we all teach is how we live...every moment of our lives.

No pressure.

Put Away the Ores

2009-02-28T23:42:00.004-05:00

With the new month comes a new virtue to learn for my church's children's ministry. We're talking about Hope.

We've had some tough virtues to try and teach 2nd and 3rd graders. The last four weeks, our virtue was "Fairness". I think we wasted a great chance now. The lessons mostly didn't make sense and were straining to teach something about fairness with Bible stories that really dealt with something else. Given the proper time, it seems like we should have taught the kids about how life isn't about everyone getting the same thing. That is usually how we envision fairness. However, to use our pastor's words, the story isn't over. That is what can give us hope for the future and hope for right now. We, as humans, are going to screw things up. We screw ourselves up, we screw our children up, we screw up our siblings, our parents, our friends and those we perceive as enemies. A lot of times we do it without even trying. Our hope doesn't lie in man though. Our hope is with a God that is making everything new.

I know what it is like to lose hope. I've been there. I've been on the edge looking down after putting my faith in things and people and this world. I thought I could swallow my pain if I had enough booze to wash it down. I had known of a God who I didn't just drift away from...I put the ores in the water and paddled as hard as I could. I was a cynic and a critic. I played the games with logic and dared anyone to prove me wrong. I was an enemy of God and those who claimed to be godly. Nothing made me want to puke more than listening to two-faced "Christians" spew venom at those with different views and lifestyles and beliefs. Hearing them pluck verses out of context to justify their own views and prejudices with their WWJD bracelets and icthus emblems...what a joke. Hypocrites. I didn't want to associate with any of them and I didn't want to associate with God. So, I rowed my boat not so gently down the stream, making sure to take a moment every so often to give a middle finger to those on the shore. It wasn't long before I couldn't see land anymore though. It wasn't long before I was a new kind of lonely; wanting desperately to be left alone and desperately to be pursued and found and brought back home. I wanted God to fight for me and show me He loved me and tell me 'Everything is going to be alright'.

I'm so glad He did.

I'm so glad He does.

I'm so glad He will.

I used to think the church was full of hypocrites, but not anymore. I've put my faith in God now and that is where my hope lies. I have stumbled enroute to my destination and I will no doubt take more wrong turns in the road ahead. Getting to my destination doesn't rest in my hands though, but in the hands of a loving and faithful God. I don't know His plans for me and I won't know the full picture of my life until my time on this world comes to pass. The story isn't over yet, and I still have a lot to work on so I don't help push someone else out to sea. There is a reason God sent His son Jesus to walk the walk for us. We can't do it on our own. We screw things up. Whether out of stupidity, pride, shame or so many other things, we continue to sin as we walk with Jesus. We live as hypocrites in this life, hoping for the redemption and cleansing the new earth and new heaven will bring.

The church isn't full of hypocrites though. There is always room for one more. And the God of heaven and earth is desperately seeking you too.

2009-02-22T17:50:00.009-05:00

So many things to learn...

The joy of your own place.

Diving into a good book.

Looking at the world...
in a whole new way.

Not always getting our way.

Partying a little too hardy. (This wedding had an open bar)

Keeping up with the latest fashions.

I Choo Choo Choose Jessica

2009-02-14T05:23:00.002-05:00

Today is Saint Valentine's Day and sure, it is a commercial holiday reinvented to boost the sales of card companies, chocolatiers, flourists, jewelers and the like, but the fact remains that ignoring this "holiday" even on the soundest of principles just makes you look like an ass...if you're a guy.

All that aside, I just wanted to say that I love my wife. She is my best friend and a true soulmate. I love her because of everything she is.

She is beautiful and sweet

smart and funny

dedicated and loving

a great mom and a great wife.

It doesn't take a special day for me to recognize this although sometimes I forget to let her know how important she is to me. Frankly, I should tell her every day...twice a day!

But since I don't, let me take this opportunity to say:

Jessica, I couldn't imagine my life without you. Thank you for granting me the incredible priviledge of being your husband a little over 7 years ago and thank you for putting up with me ever since. I love you so much and look forward to every day the God has planned for us to be together. Happy Valentine's Day!

My Two Cents

2009-02-06T20:56:00.003-05:00

This month we are working with a budget so we're trying to pinch our pennies. This is new for us. We're only six days in and already there are things we didn't foresee like needing a new bulb for the headlight or a first X-Ray for Olivia.

I'm still excited to work towards something a little more tangible like getting out of debt. It is a number, an amount. I can break it down into monthly payments. I can figure out how long it will probably take. That doesn't mean it is simple to do, but progress is much easier to measure and see.

Trying to be a better person...

a person of God, for God, with God

a loving husband

a caring father

a sincere and safe friend.

These things are not so easy to break down and sometimes even harder to know if I'm even moving in the right direction.

2009-01-21T21:22:00.002-05:00

I've been awake for about 19 hours so far.

I'm not tired.

I should be tired. I usually don't wake up at 2:30am, get ready, drive an hour, work for over 13 hours, drive half an hour, pick up my daughter, drive another half hour, feed and entertain her for another half an hour until her mommy gets home just in time to change her dirty diaper. (Good girl.)

I can't say I have all that much on my mind, so it is hard to understand where I'm at today. I should feel good...I think. I lived a pretty good day today. I worked hard even when no one was looking. I didn't make smart ass comments and sideways insults. I took criticism and didn't get angry. I didn't think about stuff I could buy. I loved my wife and my daughter. I thought about God and how I could teach His truths on Sunday and the first Wednesday of each month. I should feel pretty good about today, but maybe the fear that tomorrow won't be so kind is looming in my mind. Maybe the fear that tomorrow I won't be as kind is looming.

I guess it is good the day is almost over. Maybe tomorrow I can figure it out.

It's What I Do

2009-01-16T17:10:00.002-05:00

Tired

Cold

Coffee

Mmm

Busy

Ringing

Typing

Laughing

Calling

Panicking

Rearranging

Searching

Calling

Typing

Calling

Rearranging

Rearranging

Calling

Typing

Calling

Exhaling

Relaxing

Filing

Typing

Cold

Tired

Coffee

Mmm

Another day at the office. Thank God for weekends.

Birthday Celebration

2009-01-01T03:29:00.010-05:00

Today Olivia celebrates her birthday for the first time. Watching her grow has been an amazing honor and blessing that I find nearly impossible to explain in words.

She has been such an incredible addition to our family and my life. From the sounds of her heart beating, to the pictures of her tiny feet on the ultrasound, and when she finally came to breath her first breath...I was in love.

And it wasn't love diverted. It wasn't love rationed down to include a new soul. It was a new love entirely for her. A pure and whole love that I would have never experienced without God's gift of her in my life. I have thanked the LORD for her so many times, but I can never thank Him enough.

Sleep soundly my darling angel. You have a big day ahead. So many of your family are coming to see you in a few short hours. There will be presents and laughter and your favorite foods. This is a special day indeed and I hope you can someday truly understand how special you are. That is a hard lesson to learn. (Believe me, I'm still working on it.)

Through everything though...all your good and bad days ahead...I want you to know that I have always loved you and I always will.

Happy Birthday, Lu!

Hard Truth

2008-12-28T20:44:00.003-05:00

Today I learned some hard truths about myself.

1. My driving, though flawless and some might say graceful, generally pisses my wife off. I don't know why she hates it so much, but I'm choosing to believe it is jealousy.

2. I am the gayest person my wife knows. That is saying something. I know a lot of the people she knows...and there are some pretty gay ones.

Oh well, perhaps this is what they call tough love.

The greatest gift

2008-12-25T21:50:00.002-05:00

Well another Christmas is almost past and this year was pretty good. For one thing, I didn't get sick this year or even have a headache at any of the three parties I went to today. That is a gift in itself.

Then there was the joy of watching Olivia open presents for the first time. Christmas is one more thing that changes once you have a child.

As far as gifts, there were several nice things of course. There are the gift cards, which are fun, and the always welcome replacement underpants, t-shirts and socks. There were some unexpected gifts like my cool new football and 20 Questions Simpsons Game which are awesome.

I got a slick new sweatshirt I can wear to work now. At least I think I can wear it, since it has the company logo on it.

We also got the movie, Horton Hears a Who and the Ultimate Veggie Tales Silly Songs DVD. Sweet!

My greatest gift, however, didn't come today, but long before.

It wasn't wrapped in festive paper or with ribbons, adorned.

No, my greatest gift of all

didn't come from a gun store, a catalog or mall.

Nonetheless, I feel great and oh so nifty,

that I got this wonderful gift...

an Xbox 360.

What? What did you think I was gonna say? Seriously, I got it like over a month ago. It is awesome! Jess let me get it at Best Buy and I just brought it home and played it for hours. In fact, I think I'm going to go play it right now!

See Thru

2008-12-18T22:31:00.003-05:00

It isn't always bad to be invisible. Sometimes you can just sit back and enjoy the chaos of a room full of conversations, people connecting, sharing, and just enjoying each other's company, all the while not really hearing anything they say. The expressions say enough. Their faces, the laughter, their smiles. All of it is great to even glimpse.

I'm generally not a big fan of meetings. I don't like to interject my thoughts into a group discussion. For the most part I am slow to speak and generally more eager to listen and take everything in.

Tonight was still fun though. I felt welcome and comfortable in someone else's home surrounded by coworkers in Christ.

I love teaching and storytelling and the part it plays towards building a foundation for the kids at DV. I love being a part of DV:FX. What a blessing it has been for me to meet so many new and wonderful people. What an encouragement it is, to see their devotion to their work and these children.

It is just so great to step out sometimes and watch God work through hugs, crayons, foam balls and inanimate donkey teeth.

Last One Standing

2008-12-18T17:28:00.006-05:00

In 1 Chorinthians 13, we learn about love. How many times have we heard it, over and over again at weddings?

Love is patient.

Love is kind.

It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love is all of these things, but there is something more important to understand about it.

Love is.

You can't buy it, create it, trade for it, change it or control it. It is.

When everything else fades away, there left, will be Love.

Sacred

2008-12-17T20:27:00.002-05:00

There is a time when reflection turns to distraction of real and meaningful growth. Forgetting that love and grace have released us from our mistakes, the deceiver convinces us to shackle ourselves again with shame and doubt and a pursuit of doing enough to deserve what we could never earn.

How amazing that we could be fooled in so many ways to thinking we are anything less than sacred.

How amazing that we can be deceived into believing that God is anything less than everything He says He is.

A pursuit to better ourselves can never be a journey of things we do. It is an acceptance of what God has already done. It is an acceptance of who we are and whose we are.

Jagged

2008-10-29T20:31:00.005-04:00

I can hardly believe it has been a year since I started this experiment.

This blog.

Time really does fly.

A little over a year ago I went into this not knowing what to expect. Sharing pieces of my life and journey with family, friends, and people I barely know seems kinda odd at times. I'm more of the listening type. The wallflower. Perhaps I was just hoping to become...

open

transparent

understood

Perhaps I've made some progress in those things with the help of this blog, but I can't help but think about how guarded and edited and censored my posts really are. Being open and transparent are harder for me than I expected and even I don't understand me most of the time.

I don't understand why I have to be so sarcastic or condescending. I don't understand why I doubt my worth or importance so much.

I don't get it when I'm

petty

greedy

selfish

needy

rude

bitter

jealous

depressed

cold

I wish it wasn't so easy to keep listing my faults. I wish I didn't have so many. We're all broken though. In different degrees and different ways, but all broken nonetheless. We get tossed around by enemies, and worse yet by loved ones. Some of us are neglected while others are abused and in our brokenness, our jagged edges bruise and scrape and scar others.

So much has changed in the last year. So many amazing miracles and blessings and times of true and incredible joy. But, as much as it pains me to say it, so much hasn't changed though. I still have the same ups and downs and I'm still basically the same person. I feel like this has been a failed experiment. Not that I thought it was the answer to dynamically changing my life, but even as a piece of process, it is something I'm not sure I want to do anymore.

It is strange, I just finished trying to teach the weekly lessons about determination to the kids so they wouldn't quit when things get tough. But determination, as our virtue, is deciding it is worth it to finish what we've started. Maybe it is time to be finished.

Or maybe just finished for now.

The Good Life

2008-10-20T19:27:00.013-04:00

It is amazing how priorities and interests change with a child. Simple things become amazing memories.

sand on toes

wet sand on toes...watching swells come in groves... :)

hayrides

picking pumpkins that are way too big

then diving in with both hands

This really is the good life.

"Shut up, Shut UP, SHUT UP!" And Other Conversations I've Had With Myself

2008-10-12T17:27:00.003-04:00

I've had so many thoughts and ideas racing around my head which were mostly just plain silly to be wasting my time with. It is easy to surrender to the noise of this world and push to the back burner the more important things...the most important things.

Just because I get to teach a new piece of the Bible story each week doesn't automatically translate into me getting a chance to find some quiet to listen to what God has to say about my life and my direction.

I turned off the radio in my car this past week to try and take advantage of a great opportunity I have being that I live and hour from my work. It was pretty amazing how my mind, like some over-stimulated crack addict would jump from pointless thoughts to movie recaps and desires for yet more stuff that I don't even really want.

I'm hoping I just needed to defrag a little and the rides into work can be more quiet.

The Next Picasso?

2008-09-28T22:38:00.004-04:00

Date Nights

2008-09-28T22:26:00.004-04:00

Jess and I have decided we should start working on having some date nights. Having Olivia in our life is an amazing gift and we wouldn't trade her for the world, but she does require a lot of our attention, which means we end up neglecting each other. I have no doubt that raising our daughter is the most important job we could have, but like any job, regardless of how enjoyable it is, we need to take a break once in awhile. There needs to be time set aside for just us to feel loved and valued by one another.

If anyone has some nice spots or date ideas, please let us know!

Happy New Year!

2008-09-11T18:06:00.002-04:00

Last Sunday was the launch of a new ministry year at Discovery Village, which is the children's ministry of my amazing church. This time around I took the summer off and it was a good break to get some home projects done, take trips with my wife and daughter, and generally unwind from the weekly commitments of helping a hundred or so kids learn about God.

I do love it though. It is so great to get back at it. Our first lesson went great and I can't wait for next week to come. While teaching and storytelling are a lot of fun, these weekly lessons also give me focus on my own studies of God. I've never been in a small group or been able to follow home studies very well. Instead I find community within the amazing church staff and fellow volunteers like myself. I've met a lot of great people and I continue to grow friendships with those who stand with me.

So, Happy New DV Year!

Silhouette on the Horizon

2008-08-27T21:29:00.013-04:00

"The journey of life has forks in the road...and sometimes two friends have to take different paths. I don't regret the path I've chosen or that's been chosen for me, but I do sometimes miss those who traveled with me along the way and are now on a different route. Perhaps we'll intersect through the years and remember, together, why our hearts are so fond of one another, but if not, in the end I think we will end up at the same destination."

I've come to another fork in the road and seen a another friend fading into the horizon. I've seen the shrinking silhouette for some time now and didn't know what to say and frankly didn't know how to feel.

We've since talked and regardless of my feelings, the paths we must each go are just not the same. So, I turn the corner on another surprising twist of fate. Two people following the same Lord, going in different directions.

Maybe I'll figure it out further on down the road, but for now I look on ahead...and smile. I'll come away better for our friendship and I will have nothing but warm memories of the brief bit of life we shared together.

Out of Sorts Olivia

2008-08-20T20:16:00.004-04:00

My little girl has been feeling lousy the last week. It is a real bummer watching her cry and want to be held, then cry and want to be put down and vice-versa. She just doesn't know what she wants.

It is a new experience for me as a father, but it just makes me all the more determined to find that special thing that makes her smile.

A tasty biter cooker seemed to do the trick tonight.

Slow to Speak

2008-08-02T04:39:00.005-04:00

I pissed off my wife yesterday.

I was trying to be witty and fun, but I came off as a jerk. While we were supposed to be having a fun day off to get errands done, have a picnic, hike a nature trail and end up at the rehearsal for our friends' wedding, I was starting the journey off with a bang by speaking before thinking.

The thing is, I wasn't in a bad mood or meaning to poke fun at her. In fact, I was so excited to be with her and Olivia for the whole day that I was in a great mood. A little under the weather, sure, but I was looking forward to all the day had in store.

My attempts to start the day out with a laugh, however, were not met with the best response. I chalked it up to her having a bad morning or something. Maybe she was nervous or stressed about all the things she knew needed to get done. So, I did what any reasonable person would do, keep making sarcastic comments towards my wife to cheer her up.

The thing is, not everyone thinks sarcasm is as funny as me. Not everyone thinks sarcasm is a proper default mode of communication.

Somehow I forget that Jess cannot read my mind and I, in turn, get angry at her for not accepting my playful comments as just that. So there are days when I'm quick to speak AND quick to get angry. Nice combo.

As you can guess by now, Jessica did get angry (or frustrated as she likes to say) and I did get angry and pouty and ready to teach her a lesson in what happens when you make ME angry. A little cold shoulder would teach her to appreciate my hilarious and well-thought comedy.

Well-thought comedy that I just blurted out...without thinking. Crap.

In the silence I reflect. I hate being wrong. There must be some loophole where this was all her fault.

Nope.

I was an ass.

Double crap.

So, I ponder my options to try and fix the day and get us back on course. How can I get my heart and mind in the right place so my wife can have a safe and peaceful day with her husband and daughter? It didn't take a whole lot of thought to realize that my words needed just a little more of that...thought.

I needed and need to make sure my head and heart are running before putting my mouth in gear. I need to make sure I'm listening not only to my wife or friend or coworker, but also to myself a little longer before speaking.

Little Clothes

2008-07-22T20:15:00.004-04:00

We got a new set of clothes for Olivia the other day. It is amazing how quickly she is growing physically and mentally. As most of the clothes were gifted to us from our generous and wonderful friends and relatives, they required a quick washing. I was just looking at the piles of tiny clothes and shoes as I walked upstairs and I couldn't help but smile at the thought of her wearing them and running around with one of her patented cheesy grins.

0134

2008-07-20T17:59:00.003-04:00

I sat in church today, distracted by the four digits repeating in my head. Zero. One. Three. Four. I check to make sure that is the right number...again. It is. Zero one three four. The music is playing, the words are on the screen, but I'm not reading them and I'm not singing along. Instead I watch a different screen blinking a four-digit number in red LEDs. 1036. That isn't my number, not even close. I check anyway just to be sure and wonder for a brief moment if it was typed in wrong.

The offering baskets pass, but offering is Jessica's job, so I pass it without breaking my stare at the tiny screen.

The pastor is back, it must be time for service. He thinks it would be good for everyone to read a few verses together. He thought wrong. Reading a verse means I have to avert my eyes from the screen, which means I might miss it. I have to be ready in case my number shows up. There is no predicting it so I must be vigilant.

He is a great speaker and amazing teacher of God's word and God's love, but his words are replaced in my head with zero, one, three, four. Rome was a big city. I knew that already. Are the screens working? Did anyone see 0134 pop up? I don't think so, but perhaps while I blinked? Are we sure this screen is working? His son is on a cross-country bike trip. Catholics serve lots of spaghetti. Zero one three four? Zero one. Three four. Zero. One three four. I check my wrist again. Yup, that is the number. I hope they didn't show it while I was looking down to triple check. The message today is about hospitality. Hospitality means 'Love of Strangers.' Got it. Zero one three four. Zero one three four. Zero one...A NUMBER FLASHES AGAIN. 2076. Ugh. I wonder to myself if I really want my number to come up. Part of me says no, but an equal and much louder part screams, YES.

The sermon ends, and we're out. I scan down the isles to see which way will get me out the fastest. Young people are good for that. We're out in a flash, not time for fellowship now, gotta go. I make a beeline towards the nursery. I assume Jess is somewhere behind me and hope she can keep up. I come to my daughters classroom and scan the floor and strangers' arms for her. There she is, near the back. The nice elderly lady holding her must recognize me. She smiles and twists Olivia to see me. Then she grabs Olivia's diaper bag and brings her to the half wall.

Before handing her over though, she needs to officially confirm she is mine. She pulls up her leg to match up the tag secured around her ankle with the one on my wrist. Hers and mine both read the same...0134.

Whew. Relief. My baby is back in my arms.

Pray Big

2008-07-17T20:50:00.004-04:00

There are times in the midst of prayer that I find myself listing so many different things that I start to feel just a little silly. 'Hey God, could you make this person well...and smooth out this relationship...and guide me in this aspect of my life...and help this person find a job...and make sure these people have enough to eat...and this...and THAT, that is a good one...Oh! and I can't forget all these things.' I feel like a child picking out candy and then I put this voice in my head as I imagine my heavenly father reacting like an earthly parent...'Now, you can only have one, which one do you want the most?'

I know it is me that puts that voice and that limitation on my prayers. I am the one that makes God smaller than He is when, after I catch myself praying for person after person and situation after situation, I finally just pray for everyone, everywhere to be happy and healthy having everything they need, then laugh to myself at how silly a prayer that is. I caught myself thinking about that prayer in the quiet of my commute.

'God, please make everyone happy and healthy and give them everything they need.'

While it sounds like something a child would pray at dinner to the amusement of those much wiser to the way the world really works, what is it that makes this prayer silly?

Isn't this what we are really asking for after acknowledging God's goodness and holiness in what many know as The Lord's Prayer?

Your Kingdom Come
Your Will Be Done
on Earth as it is in Heaven

So what then, I wonder, makes me at least pause and roll my eyes after I ask for such a lofty prayer in different words?

Isn't God good enough?

Strong enough?

Caring enough?

Big enough?

No, God is good and mighty and loves us and He is BIG enough for our biggest prayers.

Course Correction

2008-07-15T20:11:00.003-04:00

The summer has been busy and there are a lot of things going on in my life and in my head, but I've noticed a drift in my thoughts to more trivial and finite things. Nothing terrible, but without the balance of God's perspective, nothing that moves me towards becoming a better person and a better reflection of His love.

It is easy to forget to pray and reflect in the good times. It is easy to put off thankfulness even when there are so many things to be thankful for.

So, I'm making a course correction. Even if things are going very well for me, there are still so, so many things to think about, work on, and pray about.

New nephews.

Adoptions.

Pregnancies.

Job Searches.

Job Changes.

Moves.

Marriages.

Travels.

Big Girl

2008-07-14T17:17:00.004-04:00

Too much cuteness to keep to myself.

Lu at the Zoo

2008-07-14T14:08:00.013-04:00

Today we took a day trip to the zoo with some friends. As expected, Olivia was mostly into staring and riding, but it was a good first trip. With two other little girls, including a spunky four-year-old, there was still plenty of excitement and energy to go around.

It had been years since I'd been to the zoo, so I was interested to go as well. When I first walked in, however, that familiar stank came at me. I was kinda afraid that I'd be holding my breath the whole way through, but it turns out these were the culprits...

Yes, that is right, Flamingos are stinky creatures. Not the stinkiest, that title easily goes to the porcupines which were far too stinky to even take the time to photograph.

The Pygmy goats were a hit with all the kids, but Olivia's favorite by far were the Penguins! She loved watching them up close as they swam around behind the Plexiglas. I think her love of water and the similarities between how the penguins smelled with her own dirty diapers really helped to cement the bond.

There were lots of other cool things we saw and it couldn't have been a nicer day. Nice breeze, we got there right when it opened so there weren't many people, and the lions were out and about which I hear is a nice bonus.

After our zoo visit, we went to a nearby park to enjoy a picnic and bask in the sun. Not a bad day at all.

Rickety

2008-07-13T20:56:00.003-04:00

Well, I'm not getting any younger, that is for sure. If crawling around the living room with six month old wasn't enough to make this old man feel that way, decisions about life insurance, 401k plans, muscle pains, physicals, the disgusting feeling get when eating childhood favorites like hot dogs, bologna or Cool Ranch Doritos and maybe most of all, the general inability to function the following morning when I stay up past 10 o'clock certainly do.

I can't complain though...I take that back. I can complain and want to complain, but that just makes me feel even older.

Are you my friend?

2008-07-07T20:51:00.003-04:00

There a lot of times I feel unsure of who my friends are. I wish it was easier to tell who actually enjoys my company rather than just being polite. I don't like the idea of being the annoying guy who hangs around unwanted. Maybe it is a trust issue or a self-esteem issue or probably a little of both. I can't help but doubt my own value in a friendship. Trusting new people to hold onto a piece of my heart is a scary thing. Believing in my worth is even harder.

What choices do I have though? There are no glowing lights that indicate whether a person likes you or if that someone just doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

Maybe I just expect too much. I'm sure that is part of it. Perhaps my idea of friendship is unrealistic in a world broken.

I do have great friends. Friends I trust and who make me feel welcome. My wife is first and foremost on that very short list. She is without a doubt, my best friend. While I still think she is crazy for being in love with me, I do not doubt that she is. I can't say I've always felt that way. I wish I could, but even after marriage, I still wondered about the sincerity of her love.

Now though, I can fully see the love that she has for me. I missed it before, not because it wasn't there, but because I wouldn't let myself believe that anyone could truly love me. As I have learned to accept myself as I am...as God made me, my eyes have been opened to her love and it is an amazing blessing.

Nothing Much

2008-07-06T18:40:00.002-04:00

So this has really been a pretty calm last few days. Nothing much has really happened.

I mean there was the awesome 4th of July weekend with brats and baseball. It was nice to get a little more sun and toss a baseball around.

Of course getting to the weekend was a dream after the week of work. Even though it was a short week, with the storms it made for some pretty long days.

Did I mention that my daughter now has two teeth? Yeah, she is growing so fast and still trying to figure out that whole crawling thing. Currently she holds herself up on all fours and rocks back and fourth. Every once in awhile she will actually go backwards. This annoys her to no end, but she grunts and growls and keeps right on trying.

Oh, and I sold my old laptop so I had to get a replacement and I ended up choosing a sweet little MacBook. This is the first post I'm typing on it as I listen to Rick Hopkins and Olivia plays the empty the basket game. It took me a few hours to figure out the best way to transfer all the data over, but it worked out great. I didn't realize we had so many pictures. They are mostly of Olivia and she has only been around for six months!

Which reminds me, I made a neat slideshow and an even sweeter DVD with it this weekend. I was so excited when I burned the DVD, ran downstairs to test it on the actual DVD player and it really worked. I guess I shouldn't have been surprised, but I was.

Aside from the several walks and working on the yard and making brat patties (Yes, patties! Jess brought them home because she thought they would be a good alternative because I'm not allowed to have red meat and they were surprisingly good. Jess and I like our brats more well done than most and these pretty much gave the same effect.) and generally just playing with Livy we've had a pretty uneventful weekend.

Yup, nothing much to say since the last time I posted. Maybe next week will be more interesting.

Lazy Days of Summer

2008-06-29T15:22:00.006-04:00

Well, the storms rolled through and took away about 20 degrees today, so it was perfect for lounging in the sun and taking a stroll to the Dairy Queen...which was closed for renovation so we got to walk a little further to McDonald's. All in all, a really nice day. We did a little house cleaning a little snacking, and a little sunshine photo shoot with Livy Lu.

Making the Constitution Legal Again

2008-06-26T22:58:00.005-04:00

The Supreme Court handed down a decision today, helping to secure the 2nd Amendment as it was intended; the protection of an individual's right to keep and bear arms for self-defense. In celebration I have gathered some of my favorite gun stats and gun-related quotes. Enjoy!

"The very atmosphere of firearms anywhere and everywhere restrains evil interference - they deserve a place of honor with all that's good"

-- George Washington

"Among the many misdeeds of the British rule in India, history will look upon the act of depriving a whole nation of arms, as the blackest."

-- Mahatma Gandhi

"One of the ordinary modes, by which tyrants accomplish their purposes without resistance, is, by disarming the people, and making it an offense to keep arms."

-- Constitutional scholar Joseph Story, 1840

"Taking my gun away because I might shoot someone is like cutting my tongue out because I might yell `Fire!' in a crowded theater."

-- Peter Venetoklis

Certainly one of the chief guarantees of freedom under any government, no matter how popular and respected, is the right of the citizens to keep and bear arms. [...] the right of the citizens to bear arms is just one guarantee against arbitrary government and one more safeguard against a tyranny which now appears remote in America, but which historically has proved to be always possible.

-- Hubert H. Humphrey, 1960

"When every second counts, the cops are just minutes away."

‘‘Are we at last brought to such humiliating and debasing degradation, that we cannot be trusted with arms for our defense? ... If our defense be the real object of having those arms, in whose hands can they be trusted with more propriety, or equal safety to us, as in our own hands?’’

— Patrick Henry

What is He waiting for?

2008-06-20T20:54:00.005-04:00

I have discovered a neat, possibly new, feature with iTunes where you can download movie trailers. I am a pretty big fan of movie trailers generally speaking so I found myself click, click, clicking on all sorts of trailers. Mostly, I found movies that I'll likely rent in the future and then there was one that caught my eye...Religulous by Bill Maher. Oh great, a pseudo-documentary about religion. One part of the trailer stuck in my head more than anything else though. In one scene he is conversing with some dude who appears to be dressed as Jesus for an Easter presentation. It is a brief interaction with the following being said:

Bill: "Why doesn't he just obliterate the Devil, and therefore get rid of evil in the world?"
Dude Dressed as Jesus: "He will"
Bill: "He will? What's he waiting for?"

It is a tough question to answer. What is He waiting for? Why doesn't God bring his kingdom to earth and end the suffering. Why, if heaven is the greatest place to be, do we need to waste our time with the current state of affairs?

There is, of course, the basic answer of not knowing God's plans or His timing. Which is true, we don't know God's plan and I truly believe we lack the ability to ever fully understand it. The thing is, I still struggle to understand this question myself. It doesn't shake my faith, but I wish I could get my head around some possible reason to wait.

Then, the morning after, as I replayed the question in my head, something hit me. Maybe He is waiting for something so amazing and precious that it is worth holding off the apocalypse for. Maybe He is waiting for all those people...His people...His children...to come back to Him. Maybe He waits, weeping at the sight of having us live in this broken world, but knowing that the alternative would leave so many behind...or worse. He has done the work, paid the price, and opened the door to us all, and now...maybe he is waiting for us.

Maybe He waits for your teacher or coworker or friend. Maybe He waits for someone you haven't met or never will meet. Your mail carrier, the cashier, the girl who cut you off or the guy who's riding your butt while you drive. Maybe He is waiting for Bill.

Maybe He is waiting for my mom and my dad and my sister and my aunt and uncle and cousins.

Maybe He is still waiting for me to fully give my life over to Jesus.

Maybe He is waiting because He knows that once that ship sets sail, once the end of this age comes, there is no turning back. Those left behind will have run out of the chances to accept God's grace that each new day brings.

Maybe He is waiting for you.

First Father's Day

2008-06-15T20:55:00.001-04:00

This is my first official Father's Day and I couldn't be happier with my daughter and wife. They are my real gift. The idea of being celebrated for being lucky enough and blessed enough to have somehow won the heart of my wife, then have a perfect, beautiful baby with her is kinda crazy when I think about it. Maybe down the road, I'll have to make tougher decisions and perhaps some larger sacrifices for my child that will make me feel more like I've earned a special day like this, but right now I feel like I owe. Having Olivia and Jessica in my life is such a privilege, I feel like I should be getting them something!

I have a lot to look forward to, and boy do I. I look forward to all your laughs and smiles and I look forward to the times I can comfort you and hold you. You're what makes this day special, sweetheart.

Hmm...I wonder if they would prefer a big screen TV or a MacBook as a token of my appreciation.

Sunsets

2008-06-13T19:21:00.004-04:00

"And the sun will set for you,
The sun will set for you.
And the shadow of the day,
Will embrace the world in gray,
And the sun will set for you."

There have been many blessings in my life that I am so very thankful for, but there are still times when the joy of my life is muted by circumstance and stress and exhaustion. In those times, I allow myself to drift from the truth of who I am and whose I am. I allow myself to dwell on things I don't have or the places I can't go or friends who...aren't.

It is time though to get on my feet and continue on the journey though. I can't hold up my life for things. They don't bring real joy. I can't hold up my life wishing I was somewhere else. Everything I truly love is right here. I can't hold up my life waiting for people who don't enjoy my company. Not everyone is going to like me and they don't need to.

I've wasted enough time on these things and more. No more...at least for tonight. Tonight I play with my daughter. Tonight I spend time with my wife. Tonight I remember what it is that gives me life. The rest of the crap is a waste and I have to say good-bye.

"Sometimes beginnings aren't so simple. Sometimes goodbye's the only way."

Lyrics from Shadow of the Day by Linkin Park

Three Words

2008-06-09T20:31:00.011-04:00

It is hard for me to look in the mirror and see great things in myself, so I thought I try to see myself through the eyes of some of my friends and family. This is what some had to say about me in three words:

Loving, Funny, Seeker

Reserved, Funny, Smart

Trustworthy, Witty, Complex

Dependable, Hardworking, Lighthearted

Compassionate, Good-looking (thanks Mom), Smart

Loquacious, Facetious, Voracious

Humorous, Smart, Easy-Going

Funny, Creative, Christian

Caring, Protective, Caring

Christian, Father, Friend

They aren't in any particular order...they don't need to be. Thank you to everyone who found the time to give me just three little words that will give me some insight...on me. Not everyone did, and I guess that says something too.

Making a Fist

2008-06-03T17:24:00.007-04:00


For the first time, on the road north of Tampico,

I felt the life sliding out of me,

a drum in the desert, harder and harder to hear.

I was seven, I lay in the car

watching palm trees swirl a sickening pattern past the glass.

My stomach was a melon split wide inside my skin.



"How do you know if you are going to die?"

I begged my mother.

We had been traveling for days.

With strange confidence she answered,

"When you can no longer make a fist."



Years later I smile to think of that journey,

the borders we must cross separately,

stamped with our unanswerable woes.

I who did not die, who am still living,

still lying in the backseat behind all my questions,

clenching and opening one small hand.

~Naomi Shihab Ni

My Aunt died suddenly Saturday and hearing my mother's account of the last few hours reminded me of this poem. My Aunt couldn't keep fighting though after her massive heart attack and the hospital she went to seemed ill equipped to treat her.

The saddest part wasn't the funeral however, but rather the reminder of the fractures present in our family. Betrayals and fights and bitterness cast a dark cloud over an already sad time.

I took myself out of the loop a long time ago because I found it hard to follow who was mad at who and why. Part of me wants to retreat again to safer ground and leave it all behind, but I feel called to jump into the fray again. I feel called to not give up...to never stop making a fist when it comes to my family.

Revealing Dreams

2008-05-28T19:59:00.001-04:00

I've been having some interesting dreams lately and I feel like they are revealing things about who I am and allowing me some insight into possible areas of growth in my life.

It shouldn't be surprising how God can come at me from so many different angles, but it really is. He sheds light on areas of my life that I felt where not in need of attention like how I treat others.

Scenario One: The Opposite of Love

As with most any work environments I have coworkers; some I get along with very well, and some I have difficulty connecting with. It isn't a big deal really. No one, including myself has anyone they really 'hate' and that is such a blessing. Speaking only for myself however, there are people that I just don't care for. I don't have ill will towards them or desire bad things to happen to them, but I can't honestly say I would be greatly affected if something bad did occur. Outside of work interactions, their existence doesn't affect me. Their fortune, good or bad, is just that, 'their' fortune. It doesn't matter to me. I have a lot of people who have come in and around my life that fall into this category. Not friends, certainly not enemies (at least not in my mind), but just people who if I never seen or heard from them again, I wouldn't miss a beat.

So, when my boss announced the firing of a certain coworker, I didn't care. I feigned my shock and heart-felt sympathies, but once the coworker was out the door, it was back to work as usual for me. In my dream at least. My boss didn't fire anyone in real life, and I didn't pretend to care in real life, but the emotion, or lack of emotion to be more precise, that was real.

It didn't take me long after waking and starting my morning routine to realize that this previous way of thinking was flawed somehow. I don't want this coworker, or any coworker, to be fired. I wouldn't do anything underhanded to try to cause their dismissal, but those facts were not enough to lift the deep feeling that I was missing the point, a very important point. My indifference towards this coworker was not the opposite of doing hurtful things to them, or not talking bad about them behind their back. My indifference towards them was the opposite of showing them love.

Indifference is the opposite of love.

The fact that I didn't care or don't care about someone I may come into contact with equates to them not being important to me. Now I realize that not everyone I meet will become my deep and personal friend, but their importance as a human being, an image bearer of God, is not measured by that.

The realization of this fell heavily on my soul and I prayed for forgiveness and guidance as I sat in silence, with the showering water drowning out the noise of the world.

Everyone has value. Everyone is special...not because of how they look, whether they laugh at your jokes, whether they agree with you, or they have interesting stories...not because of who they are or what they have or have not done. We are all special because of who made us. While we are all flawed and broken in some way or another, we are all still God's creation...and He loves us all so very much.

Now, as I strive to have a heart that beats with my Father's, my love for others continues to grow and with it, my understanding of my own worth.

Scenario Two: Unforgivable
There is one thing that I have told Jessica would ruin our marriage and that would be if she were unfaithful. As I watched the video before the big game, my boss, the head football coach for the local high school and my wife flanked me. What none of us expected though was the camera panning away from the previous game's action to the coach and a woman making out under the bleachers. At first everyone, including myself was thinking up ways for us to explain this embarrassing situation away to the fans when this video gets out. Then I somehow realized, I guess because it was my dream, that the woman in the video was my wife. It was devastating, frustrating, confusing and in spite of all the completely preposterous things that had happened and were about to occur throughout the dream, it was all so real to me.

I wasn't thinking at the time at why we were living in my parent's house or why I was working as an assistant coach for a high school football team or how it came to be that our daughter Olivia was being babysat...that should have been a dead giveaway right there! That all didn't matter though, my life was falling apart.

I needed to get away from her. I threw on clothes on top of clothes so I'd have at least a few changes and I stuffed some of my things in my waistband and pockets I might need. I wanted to wait for Olivia to get home and take her too, but I knew she wouldn't let me and what's more I'm sure the police wouldn't have let me either. I didn't want to abandon my child though. It wasn't her fault. Why should she be broken because of what had been done to me? I needed time away though...a safe haven to weather the storm. So I quickly thought of where I could go and shot a message off to one of my friends.

My mother came a little later, I'm still not sure if we lived with her or if we now owned her old house or what, but whatever the reason she was there, trying to calm me down after I had thrown something made of glass against the wall. 'You don't understand!' I told her, 'she cheated on me!' And I was ready to leave, to flee. I knew where I was going, even if I didn't know how to get there.

Then...I just stopped. I sat down on the ground and put my head in my hands. I wonder if this is what it means to die for my wife. If instead of abandoning her, I could stay and offer her a forgiveness that could only come from God.

I wonder if this is how God feels every time I am unfaithful to him.

It is a scenario that, upon waking, I just don't think either Jess or I would have to go through, but this brief experience has opened my eyes even more to the power and vastness of God's love, faithfulness and forgiveness.

Slowing Down

2008-05-20T20:15:00.006-04:00

My new car reads the mpg as I drive. Not just an average mpg over how ever many miles I drive, I have that too, but it has an instant visual of how many miles I am getting for the gallon of petrol at any second. I push down the accelerator...5. I coast to a stop sign...99. I'm generally mesmerized by it, it is a new game for me as I drive to and from work. I find my self smoothly picking up speed as I travel on declines and letting my momentum carry me up the hills. Overall, it takes me longer to get to work, but it is just a few minutes in the end. I get passed a lot more that I used to, but that is okay too.

Good things do come to those who are willing to trust and to wait.

Life takes patience.

As God works in me and with me to get me where He wants me to go, I sometimes forget that it isn't something that can be rushed. Sometimes I have to take steps back in order to move forward in a totally different direction because I was going too fast. More often than not, I find myself making wrong turns trying to reach good and healthy goals, because I didn't take the time to simply ask God for His wisdom and guidance. Whether it is financially or relationally or spiritually, I can try to go after something better, but without God, I miss out on the best of everything.

God's plan cannot be done without God and a willingness to wait for Him...in our speech, our prayers and our thoughts.

Life takes patience...but it is worth the wait.

We're Not Poor, We're Just Broke.

2008-05-19T19:48:00.009-04:00

Well, we got the appraisal numbers back on the house from our whole work towards refinancing. Let's just say it was more than a little disappointing...although I can't say it was totally unexpected with everything going on right now.

I just don't really care all that much though. I have a wonderful wife and a wonderful daughter to come home to.

I am so incredibly blessed by those two things alone that I wouldn't dare ask for more even though God has given and continues to give me just that...more.

"Look what I found!"

2008-05-18T17:09:00.003-04:00

Spending Money to Save Money

2008-05-14T22:46:00.001-04:00

Gas is killing us, so we need to get a vehicle that gets better mileage. The thing is, we are upside down on our truck so I think the easiest thing is to trade it in for new. Please put in your two cents with the poll and if you have comments, I'd love to hear them.

UPDATE: Well, we are on the road to recovery, at least in the car department. A higher payment, but a lower gas bill and overall a net gain.

We ended up getting the 08' Malibu LS. No extra frills, but it still has everything you need and even some things that are extra on other base model cars. Plus it still looks pretty sweet if I do say so myself...and I don't. :)

Struggle of the Week Club

2008-05-05T21:08:00.006-04:00

For some reason life continues to bring new struggles even when I wasn't finished with the problem I already had. Sometimes old problems return that I was sure I had laid to rest.

I guess that is ultimately the point of God's message. I can't do it on my own. No matter how hard I try to take steps towards goodness, I find myself back on my butt, trying to figure out how I got to this place again.

(Content Edited. To be Republished in Separate Post.)

Something in my eye

2008-05-01T21:05:00.007-04:00

Great friends can withstand distance and silence, but the reunion is so bittersweet sometimes. Old memories push forward and remind us of great times we miss and are missing.

The journey of life has forks in the road though, and sometimes two friends have to take different paths. I don't regret the path I've chosen or that's been chosen for me, but I do sometimes miss those who traveled with me along the way and are now on a different route. Perhaps we'll intersect through the years and remember, together, why our hearts are so fond of one another, but if not, in the end I think we will end up at the same destination.

Until then, know this, you are in my thoughts and prayers and I wish nothing but the best for all of you who have traveled with me in strength, weakness, struggle, joy, despair, and ultimately friendship.

Worth It

2008-04-23T22:04:00.003-04:00

My wife is amazing. She is so strong and beautiful, but she is so much more than just a wonderful mother and faithful wife, she is my true and dear friend. She is my best friend.

I've taken her for granted though. I have allowed my interests to take precedence over the precious few hours a day I actually get to see her. (Yes, I realize the irony of writing a post concerning lost time with my wife while she is upstairs, but bare with me)

So, I need to make a choice now. I have no disillusions about what the most important parts of my life are and who the most important people in my life are, but it is time I start acting like it. Friendships are important, but Jessica has to come first. My teaching for Sunday school is an enriching and important part of my life, but Jessica has to come first. My job pays the bills and keeps food on the table, but Jessica has to come first.

Jessica is the completion of my very being. She is worth my attention and my love and my time.

She is worth dying for.

She is worth it for me to lay down my life, to die to my own desires, so that she might know her amazing worth.

I write this mostly more for me, but in truth, that was the point of this blog in the first place...to put my thoughts out there so I could reflect on them and do the things I know I should do. It also helps to have them here, open to the ones of people who also read these thoughts and make me accountable to someone other than myself.

Finding Joy

2008-04-10T21:49:00.003-04:00

I have been teaching about joy this month, finding ways to be happy in God even when things don't go your way. It is more than a little ironic that I've had such a hard time staying joyful lately. My days are not filled with gloom by any means, but I have had more than my share of moments where I just want to shut down. Moments where I just want to be alone and allowed to stare at nothing without being asked why. I don't want to talk about it. I don't know how to verbalize what I'm feeling. I just want to be invisible for a little while...

The future gives me pause. I don't know where I'm going and I feel like I'm letting everyone down. I feel my heart pulling me in too many directions trying to connect and reconnect and console and encourage and teach and follow and listen and learn, but I end up not doing any of them well. Tonight I feel lousy, as a father, a husband, a son, a brother, and a friend.

But the things that God has provided still anchor me; my amazing wife and beautiful child, my family and friends, and the sacrifice that God made for me is enough to make me realize my worth again. So, I'll move forward. I'll find ways to be happy in God because He is a good and faithful God, whose guidance will lead me on my journey towards understanding.

Stupid Plastic Card

2008-04-05T10:42:00.007-04:00

All things come to an end. Gone are the days of disposable income, or perhaps more appropriately, gone are the days of waste-able income. That is really all I did when I was feeling a little down or something shiny caught my eye or I was in a good mood. Pretty much anytime I felt like it really, I would just blow money on things I didn't need and ultimately didn't even want. I would never allow myself to carry cash. That was always a guaranteed way to get the economy stimulated..giving me cash money. For me personally, it is better to have all cash put away where I can't see it. I see stacks of money and I want to give it to people who will give me things like movies and candy and video games. I have gift cards collecting dust because if I use them, they are gone. Something about them makes me want to get something really good, because they are gifts. I can't use them to get something practical, I don't want practical things for my birthday or Christmas. So instead I hang on to these little pieces of plastic and stare and things that might be cool to have, yet I'm afraid that once I turn over my gift card for this latest ware, they will bring out the real latest and greatest techno gadget that does twice as much for half the price. So, I keep my little plastic card. Who knows, maybe someday they will have a cooler looking gift card I can buy with it.

Namesake

2008-03-26T21:32:00.006-04:00

"For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life." ~John 3:16 NLT

A great man passed away yesterday and heart aches at the thought of it. I don't mourn his release from the pain he endured the last several days, weeks and even months. There is reason to feel great joy at his passing because of my faith in God and his promise for the future. The moments I will mourn are those that were lost. What a loss to not have the opportunity to visit with him more and play cards with him and laugh with him anymore. My daughter will miss the great opportunity to grow up with her great great grandfather in her life and to listen to his sea stories.

His memory lives on though and his name lives on as well. Our daughter carries it to honor him and remember him. So now I look forward to hearing the stories of his life through his family...my family. I look forward and smile at the thought of a time when I can tell Olivia McKay about her great great grandfather, David McKay.

Square Pie

2008-03-14T17:00:00.005-04:00

As if in sequence with the seasons, the thoughts of how my life is changing have arrived. I see all these new opportunities and challenges ahead. I see new friendships blossoming and old friendships reemerging from a their long silence. The ever-evolving work environment brings new responsibilities and new frustrations. The pace of life in general has quickened. In church, a year of teaching and storytelling is screaming by and soon it will come to pause long enough for me to catch my breath and think about where I'll be next year.

Part of me wants to explore new areas of growth and part of me just wants to keep everything the same. I want to grow a family in the church and I want to recommit myself to my own biological family. My daughter is growing before my eyes and I have decisions to make that will affect both of us. I feel a tug from all directions and pressure on all sides. There are so many good things laid out in front of me, but trying to pick them all up will leave me fumbling and ultimately empty handed. The thing is, no one is pressuring me to do things or tugging me away from certain areas except me. I'm trying too hard to control my destiny. I'm trying too hard to get people to like me and I'm not trusting that those people I interact with actually care about me. There is too much clutter in my mind right now and I can't focus on the most important thing. I need to take my time more. I need to relax more. I need to let people come to me if they want to and I need to be okay with it when they don't. I need to let God shape my life, my whole life and I need to understand that the life God has planned, looks completely different from what I'd expect.

Who is my family?

2008-03-02T20:21:00.002-05:00

In the sermon today, the relationship with fellow Christians was talked about and how we should treat one another...like family. As the pastor gave his examples of brotherly kindness and how we should do what a good family would do, I was forced to question whether I would do these things for my real family. I have begun to question the importance of family and what it means to be a family.

While my immediate family life is strong, my extended family for the most part is distant and in some cases unknown to me. I have never counted it as a loss not knowing my grandparents. I know that to some of you that is an incredible and heartbreaking statement, but one I have never met, one died before I can remember, one's toxic relationship with my mother caused a rift and the other just never seemed to care for me like you expect a grandmother should. I see how my mother dotes over her grandchildren and how she spoils them with love and praise as every grandmother has a right to do.

Although I still struggle in every part of my life, strengthening my family bonds seems like an important piece to focus on right now. I am not even sure what that means, but it is a journey I don't have to take alone.

Proud to be...

2008-02-24T20:16:00.003-05:00

a Child of God
a Husband to Jessica
a Father to Olivia

a Son
a Brother
a Familiar Friend
a New Friend
a Lover
a Partner
a Teacher
a Listener
a Private Dancer
a Storyteller

Despite my shortfalls and in spite of my own poor self-image, I have so many people in my life that make me proud to be me. God made me who I am and it was not by accident. He made me exactly who He wanted me to be and I am proud of the life and lives he has honored me with.

Daddy's Yawn

2008-02-24T09:08:00.008-05:00

There are a few things that entertain Olivia. Her mommy's goofy baby-talk voice, her daddy's guitar strumming and doing squat thrusts are a some. Seeing her daddy's gaping maw as he yawns is one of them as well.
I guess that is why she like to wake me up every so often on the weekends at unholy hours of the morning. As my eyes droop and fight to stay open, she smiles and kicks her feet in success. I do love to see her smile though...even if it is from something I do involuntarily.

Baby Dedication

2008-02-09T20:31:00.000-05:00

On February 10, we dedicated Olivia to the Lord and our own lives to helping her grow in Him. This is our blessing to her...

Olivia, you have brought so much joy and wholeness into my life. I am so honored and moved to be your mother. Your existence has already allowed me to see God’s love in a whole new way and I know he will continue to make me a better woman and mother through the lessons that he will teach me through you.

Olivia, from the moment I saw that little blue line my heart awakened to a new world of love and joy. As you have grown, so to has my faith in God and my understanding of my soul. God has blessed me so richly with my life, with your mother’s life, and now with your life. Your arrival has helped me become a better man, a better husband and a better Christian.

You are a true gift from God and we know that your presence will continue to be such a blessing in our lives and those around you as you grow physically and spiritually. We want so much to show you the love and faith you need to not only live your life, but to flourish in it. We pray that someday you will come to know Jesus in a deep and real way as your savior, and comforter, and your best friend.

No matter what life brings, we hope that through our example you will see that God can be trusted. As we try our best to show you God’s goodness, we pray that you are able to be a reflection of the amazing and generous God. We pray that your heart will beat with His and that others may have the extraordinary opportunity to see Him through you.

My beautiful wife wrote most of this and I couldn't be prouder of her work in my life and our daughter's life. She is an amazing mother and spouse. I was faced with having to edit all her amazing words and thoughts about Olivia to get it to about 1 to 2 minutes, but her complete thoughts will be posted on her blog...I'll make sure of that.

Thank you all for your prayers and God Bless!

Olivia Beret

2008-02-01T18:39:00.001-05:00

Someday she will get her revenge. Olivia develops her hand-eye coordination and strengthens her neck and legs in anticipation of her eventual triumph. Her mind is no doubt racing with plots of our downfall. One day, she will make us pay for what we've done!

Until that day comes, however, she will just have to endure mommy and daddy's dress-up time.

1000 Words Are Not Enough

2008-01-28T20:06:00.000-05:00

Cute as a Button

2008-01-27T19:01:00.000-05:00

Finally my little girl's got a shiny new belly button. It was on backorder I guess because it took nearly four weeks! Whew, I'm glad that wait is over though. Now she can take full blown baths instead of the pseudo sponge baths we've been giving her.

Wanting Not to Want

2008-01-25T12:44:00.000-05:00

It is tough being a recovering spoiled brat. Contentment is no easy thing to really let sink in. God has given and continues to give me so much, but I can't help but whine for more. I want more this and bigger that...'this' being money and 'that' being a TV for example for those with slightly perverse minds.

Living paycheck to paycheck is a new experience for me. I should be so happy that God provides enough every day, week, and month and I am, but I struggle to be completely happy with it. My nature is always nagging me to get more, more, more! I know the lie that if I just get this one more thing, I'll be happy, but that realization doesn't silence the beast.

Why can't I just be content with everything I have, especially when I know how lucky and blessed I am? Every day I feel like I couldn't ask for more, but I still do. It is a hard lesson to learn, but I do thank God that He is patient enough and gracious enough to teach me. Perhaps I can focus not being content on not being content...sorta like fighting fire with fire.

You Come for the Crying, but You Stay for the Cuteness

2008-01-20T20:17:00.000-05:00

After off and on success with little Olivia sleeping through the night, and the impending doom of Jess returning to work in as little as three weeks, the time has come to start putting her on a schedule. Honestly, even if Jess wasn't going back to work, the current way of doing things just wouldn't be healthy anyway. I have every confidence that once Olivia adjusts to this schedule, she will be happier... and so will we. One of the problems will be keeping mommy, and mommy keeping daddy, from rushing to the rescue when she cries during her scheduled sleep time. The other problem will be convincing Olivia, this is for her own good.

You haven't heard the last of me! I've not yet begun to fuss!

Unlearn what you have learned

2008-01-13T14:04:00.000-05:00

This one is strong in the ways of the Force.

Things to Come

2008-01-10T21:01:00.000-05:00

It is no wonder why I get excited about the new life I'm starting with my wife and daughter and I can't help think about the things to come and new challenges and adventures. I'm like that...ever imaging how great the next phase in my life will be. I dream about coming home to a little girl smiling and yelling, "Daddy, Daddy!" as she greets me at the door with a hug. It is a great dream and such an amazing thing to hope for and look forward to, but I have to remind myself to slow down. I can't allow myself to fast forward through my life. There is so much I have right here, right now. The precious moments I get to hold my little girl in my arms are so few and I need to remember to cherish them before they are gone.

Every day I grow in love for my wife and my child. Every day I am moved at how lucky and blessed I am. Every day I must savor the moments that are happening in the here and now so as to not let my anticipation for what is to come, overshadow what is happening already.

Home at Last

2008-01-06T15:30:00.001-05:00

Here are some pictures of Olivia's first time home...

Ahh...Peaceful Angel

Shhh...Daddy's Got You

"No More Pictures, Please!"

A Star is Born

2008-01-01T19:08:00.000-05:00

Little girls are the best:

Welcome to this side of the womb, little Olivia, it was worth the wait for this beautiful little girl. 7lbs 14oz and 20" long.

Look at how perfect she is with her beautiful mommy!

"What's that? Who's this guy? What?! HE is my daddy?!" (yeah, she speaks in italics)

Sorry I'm not better looking, sweetheart. This is as good as daddy gets.

Operation: Baby Launch...Commencing

2007-12-30T19:50:00.000-05:00

7:15 - We're settled in for the long haul. From the sounds of it, there isn't much that is going to happen tonight except something called "ripening." I'm not sure what that is...I'm not sure I want to know what that is.

Here is my beautiful wife ready to take on the world:

Anyway, wish us luck (mostly Jess) and I will keep you all up-to-date on our progress...

9:25 - The first medicine goes to work...

Sleeping was terrible for both of us, but surprisingly the night went relatively quick. I guess I zonked out for a little while at least and I was able to serenade my wonderful wife with snoring.

5:30 - Some signs of real progress...finally some steady contractions. They are not where they need to be yet, but they are growing more intense and closer together. I feel the grogginess wearing off and the excitement of everything fueling me for the day ahead!

8:30 - Jess has been having pretty steady contractions for awhile now...nothing powerful enough to cause cussing, but it is a good sign. Right now she is passing the time playing Tetris in her comfy rocker. I think I'll try to relax in her awesome bed. Feet go up...head goes up...feet go down...head up...lumber increase...feet up...lumbar decrease. Good thing I am easy to entertain.

2:00 pm - The wait continues. Both of us are feeling the frustration of waiting and waiting without major changes. I am trying to keep everything in perspective and the reality of the fact that labor can easily last a really long time. Number one is the health of the baby.

3:30 pm - Water is broken. Contractions are growing in intensity. I am excited and slightly re energized at the progress. Jess is taking it like a champ.

4:30 pm - Jess has decided to try some drug enhancement for pain modifacation. She went with Stadol and that knocked her right out. It got her through about an hour of pretty steady contractions, but she sure didn't like the side effects. I'll have to ask her later if she thought it was worth it.

6:00 pm - Making good steady progress now...Jess is at about 3cm+

9:39 pm - Epidural is in. Mommy is at 5cm on last inspection. Internal Fetal Monitors are now "installed" as well.

We Pounded the Nails

2007-12-25T04:38:00.000-05:00

Jesus died so that we may be made right with God the Father even after we ignored Him, disobeyed Him, and tried to discredit Him. It was our doing that put Christ on the cross. Those were our sins He paid for with his life. Those were our sins He died for. We pounded the nails that pierced our Savior’s skin. Through His hands and through His feet, we pounded the nails with the sins of our heart. Jesus laid down his life for all of our sins and paid the price of our transgressions.

We pounded the nails, but we have been forgiven.

He Did it Just For You

2007-12-24T20:22:00.001-05:00

I just finished another book by Max Lucado titled, He Chose the Nails. It is an amazing book and a must read. I know that it isn't new, and I may be pretty late to party, but this an incredible, life-changing book that you need to read if you haven't already. If you have...read it again.

Prequels: Memories from My Childhood

2007-12-17T00:38:00.000-05:00

Keep your eyes peeled for Prequels. I've decided, since I got into this blogging game so late in life, that perhaps it would fun or informative...but hopefully more fun...to share some old memories. They may be funny, confusing, or sad. I don't even know what memories I will post yet because I haven't remembered them, but we'll see what pops in my head.

The kicker is, I'm going to predate the posts and then give them the a "Prequel" label so it will be kinda like snippets of my life that go straight to DVD and not appear as a most recent post. You'll have to practice navigating the Pieces of Life section to make sure you don't miss it.

Drowning Slowly

2007-12-16T16:53:00.000-05:00

Coming from a liberal family, I've held the same beliefs and politics that I was brought up to believe through high school, college and even into my first years of marriage. One topic that I had always been sure of was abortion...until I had my own child growing in my wife's belly. Before I considered having my own children, I was more understanding of the pro-choice stance. I could see how someone would want to have the option of terminating a pregnancy rather than completely altering their lives for the sake of an unwanted child, but to feel my daughters kicks and squirms, my fully alive and amazing daughter, I can't imagine giving her up. Even before I could feel her, I listened to her tiny heartbeat and it was better than any melody.

I don't know if life begins at conception, but it certainly begins well before birth. It hurt more than expected hearing some people say that Jess wasn't a mother yet or I wasn't a father yet on the respective special days this year. Of course we haven't gotten to the hardest part, and we haven't experienced our daughter's birth, but how dare they reduce my prepartum child to something less than just that...a child...my child.

I am not sure at this point in my life that it shouldn't be a choice, but what a terrible choice. What a heartbreaking and life-altering choice.

So, what's with the uncommonly heady issue you might ask? I don't know. This post is more for me than anyone I guess. However, it is probably good for you to know that I don't always ponder silly things like how to retrofit my Ridgeline for zombie combat. This is just another piece of me that I wanted to explore and share.

Making a Choice

2007-12-12T20:19:00.000-05:00

I have found my anthem...my pledge to begin each day in a book by Max Lucado called, Let the Journey Begin.

I choose love...
No occasion justifies hatred; no injustice warrants bitterness. I choose love. Today I will love God and what God loves.

I choose joy...
I will invite my God to be the God of circumstance. I will refuse the temptation to be cynical...the tool of the lazy thinker. I will refuse to see people as anything less than human beings, created by God. I will refuse to see any problem as anything less than an opportunity to see God.

I choose peace...
I will live forgiven. I will forgive so that I may live.

I choose patience...
I will overlook the inconveniences of the world. Instead of cursing the one who takes my place, I'll invite him to do so. Rather than complain that the wait is too long. I will thank God for a moment to pray. Instead of clinching my fist at new assignments, I will face them with joy and courage.

I choose kindness...
I will be kind to the poor, for they are alone. Kind to the rich, for they are afraid. And kind to the unkind, for such is how God has treated me.

I choose goodness...
I will go without a dollar before I take a dishonest one. I will be overlooked before I will boast. I will confess before I will accuse. I choose goodness.

I choose faithfulness...
Today I will keep my promises. My debtors will not regret their trust. My associates will not question my word. My wife will not question my love. And my [child] will never fear that [her] father will not come home.

I choose gentleness...
Nothing is won by force. I choose to be gentle. If I raise my voice may it be only in praise. If I clench my fist, may it be only in prayer. If I make a demand, may it be only of myself.

I choose self-control...
I am a spiritual being. After this body is dead, my spirit will soar. I refuse to let what will rot, rule the eternal. I choose self-control. I will be drunk only by joy. I will be impassioned only by my faith. I will be influenced only by God. I will be taught only by Christ. I choose self-control.

Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. To these I commit my day. If I succeed, I will give thanks. If I fail, I will seek His grace.

Now, I pray for God's strength to live this way each and every day.

Favorite Posts

2007-12-11T22:31:00.000-05:00

For those of you who have been blogging for much longer than me, do you look back every so many months or years? Perhaps look back at a year ago today and what you were writing about then? Are there any posts that really capture something special about you? Are there any posts that should be 'must reads' for newcomers?

What are some of your favorite posts from your own blog?

Picking Stones

2007-12-08T01:28:00.001-05:00

As a kid I picked stones for five dollars an hour after school. Like any job, it had its ups and downs. Some days found the heat index well over a hundred and my legs felt like jello beneath me. Other days, the cloudy sky and summer breeze made the hours pass quickly. The only constant thing was the seemingly endless supply of rocks. Tractor load after tractor load we picked stones up and down those fields. I was methodical; hunting, scanning, back-tracking. I liked that job. I respected my boss and wanted to make him proud of my work. I was convinced that I could get every last stone and each year I was pretty sure I came close to that goal. Then, the following year I realized I wasn't even close. Every year, there were more stones to collect and every year, there were more stones to discard.

I think about how my own life and my own heart resemble those fields sometimes. I long for the roots of God's Word to dig deeper to withstand the uncertainty and suffering this world will offer. I pray that God will move me, when I refuse to move on my own. I pray that God will create good soil in me, that I might produce good fruit for Him.

"Have you been telling yourself ever since that you tried Jesus—but he didn't work for you? Maybe that's the problem—that you wanted him to “work for you”—accomplish your agenda, do your will, be your butler. Jesus will never be your butler—he loves you too much for that. But if you entrust yourself to him and his plans for your life, he will answer you in a way that goes beyond anything you can imagine." -Gary DeLashmutt

Waiting Game

2007-12-05T20:56:00.000-05:00

Now is the time when patience comes in handy. With my wife full term and no signs of a birth very soon, I'm experiencing emotions ranging from giddy to depressed. I know that it would work better in our schedule...well...my schedule to have our daughter be born somewhere around the 19th to the 22nd, but I wouldn't mind at all being woken up in the middle of the night or getting the call while I'm at work to drop everything and get to the hospital.

It is a roller coaster for me, but Jess has it worse. She has the physical fatigue as well. I am so proud of her and in awe of her beauty in spite of everything that her body is going through right now. You'd think I would learn by now, but it always surprises me how I continue to grow in love for her every day.

Holy Holy Holy

2007-12-01T22:41:00.000-05:00

Crap! It's December Already?! It is pretty crazy to think December is here already. This is a big month! My baby is now full term and I could be driving to the hospital at anytime. There are get togethers and company parties and family gatherings and church activities and the list goes on. While it is exciting to know that this month, much like the last eleven, is going to fly by, now I have to really get my butt in gear to make sure we have everything we need.

Like a Krenshaw Melon

2007-11-25T19:51:00.000-05:00

The final plans for operation "Baby's First Birthday" are coming together now and none too soon. There are only about 26 days left! I can't believe how close we are to becoming parents. I know that usually the first child comes late, but I sure hope our little girl is on time...if not a day early...or two.

Hopefully we have as much ready as we can. Good thing my wife has good list making skills.

2am Practice

2007-11-24T02:33:00.000-05:00

For the past several nights I've been waking up at around 2am along with my wife. It is the kind of waking up where you flop out of of bed, lumber over to the alarm clock, stare at it from 6 inches away and then realize how early it is...awesome.

I've convinced myself that this is all in preparation for the 2am birth and the 2am feedings and 2am cryings and 2am diaper changes and 2am cryings...for me this time. I guess it is better than quiting sleep cold turkey. Mmm...cold turkey. I think I could use one of those 2am feedings right now. I wonder if my wife will bring me food if I start screaming and crying. I could tell her it is good practice for motherhood and I am doing it out of love. Even this early, I know that isn't the wise choice.

Thankful

2007-11-22T19:29:00.000-05:00

There are so many things I could talk about that I am thankful for this year, but what I am most thankful for are the amazing people in my life.

I am thankful for...

My beautiful wife. Even the thought of her makes me smile and being with her is my favorite place to be.

My little girl. She is a month away from being born, but feeling her kick and move is the highlight of my day.

My bro Johnny. His attitude, his spirit, and awesome strength of character are awesome. He is my partner and friend and I am so glad he is part of my life.

My mother and father. They have given so much and still continue to give of their love and laughter.

My in-laws. Yes, I'm thankful for my in-laws. Their faith and kindness helped open my eyes further to the path of Christ.

My partners and friends from Discovery Village. Anne, Brittany, Dan, Dan (#2), Johnny, Kristy, Mandace, Matt, Matt (FX).

My best men and old friends. Ben and Josh. Two guys who I can not help but be an idiot around. Either one of them can make a simple thing like registering for a shower fun.

My new friend. Ed. His insight and openness help me to further explore what it means to follow Christ and challenges me to do it more fully.

My best woman. Beth. Her compassion and smile light up my heart.

These are not all the people who have positively influenced my life, or that I am thankful for, but this would be a pretty long post if I tried to name them all.

Happy Thanksgiving! Who are you thankful for?

Time Flies

2007-11-19T19:49:00.000-05:00

I can't believe how quickly the last several weeks have flown by. I am simultaneously excited and terrified at the coming responsibility that the birth of my daughter will bring. We finally broke down and bought a travel system. We looked at some less expensive packages and actually found one that I really like a lot. It is really easy to fold up and reassemble. We are also looking at other things to fill in the gaps. Our baby doesn't have any pants for example. Lots of cute shirts and shoes and blankets...holy crap she has a lot of blankets, but she is currently pantless. I will be glad to remedy this situation, but I just have to remember not to forget.

My wife's "book" themed baby shower was a big success and now we have all sorts of fun books that I can read to her at night. I started last night practicing my voices for Frog and Toad. One book that, based on her spastic movements, seems to be a hit is The Monster at the End of the Book. She was jumping around when I read her that.

It is a fun time right now and it will only get better.

No Comment

2007-11-16T06:22:00.000-05:00

After a lengthy polling process and hours of running statistical analysis on the results, I have finally come to some startling conclusions. The ones of readers who make it a point to view my blog are split on the matter of whether or not I should allow comments. It was virtually a 3 way tie between the choices and now I just don't know what to do.

Let me just say, the original reason I decided not to allow comments was because I wanted readers to simply write me an email if they cared to do so. In addition to that, I wanted to eliminate the need for me to hurt anyone's feelings for deleting comments I determined to be...how should I put this...stupid.

There have also been allegations of voter fraud in this case which serves to complicate the matter further. I don't know whether to invalidate the poll completely or take the determination as a sign I should just allow comments to be posted.

As you should be able to determine, I have a huge dilemma that I haven't been able to work out on my own. So, does anyone have any helpful advice, interesting anecdotes, or unmoderated comments?

UPDATE: Comments on older posts are disabled, but I have decided to allow comments* from this point forward.

*Comments subject to moderation.

Glad to Help

2007-11-11T19:36:00.000-05:00

I had my heart broken on the way home Friday. As I drove from work I got the unexpected news of my brother-in-law's job loss. Certainly there are more terrible and permanent things that can happen to a person, but with the recent memories of going through the same thing, it was all I could do not to break down on the side of the highway.

I will never understand God's plans or how they work. At least not in this lifetime. The immediate question of "Why do bad things happen to good people?" comes to mind, the fear of not knowing how he and his immediate family will cope with the bills and insurance and trying to find new work in our struggling economy. How are they going to make it on their own?!

Then, I remember...they are not alone. They are never alone. I remember, the songs and the verses and truth that is God's love for us. Sometimes it takes an earthquake for us to move. Sometimes God wants to move us towards something better. The journey may not be easy or painless and the end may never seem in sight, but it is a journey to some place better and God wants to take that journey with him.

It is a journey that I also gladly pack my bags for. I prepare not for a death march, but a journey of life with family and friends. An opportunity to grow in faith and friendship and love. I am excited to see what God is going to do in the life of my dear friend and in the lives of all those who are lucky enough to know him.

Power of Words

2007-11-06T19:47:00.000-05:00

I am discovering different worlds and inspiring ideas as I read new books and reread old ones. I never liked reading as a kid. There was seldom a time when my school book reports would not be some overblown review of the four or five pages I skimmed at various sections of the book. Even now I can't just pick up anything and read it regardless of what a classic it is supposed to be. However, I've become much more open to the written word and the draw of a well-crafted story.
Of the few books I've read so far, all have helped to move me along a path towards understanding God. Some have reassured me, some have corrected unhealthy thinking, and some have brought a new insight into the world that Jesus entered. Some of these books are listed in my "Must Read" section, but I will work at making that a more complete list throughout the days.

As far as the most life-changing book I have read...The Bible. Of course it is. It is the foundation of everything great I have ever read. Whether the books I read are inspirational pep talks with supporting verses, in depth histories that detail the events happening in conjunction with it, or dogma-challenging works...they all are great because of the greatness of The Bible. It is the greatest story being told.